How to Join a Cult

There are many reasons for joining a cult.  It is a worthwhile experience that everyone should try at least once in their life.  Live a little bit, for crying out loud!  There are also nice death opportunities when joining a cult.

1.  Ask yourself whether you enjoy your life, and whether you feel fulfilled.  If the answer is no (of course it’s no, if it was yes, you wouldn’t be reading this), move to step two?

2.  Do you have all of the answers? If no, then you need to join a cult.  If yes, you need to start your own cult.

3.  This is the fun part, and in the internet age it is easier than ever. You could google the word cult for a listing of cults, but for the good stuff, you need to do your research. Read any blog posts and other literature written by the leadership of the cult, this is important for later on. You must unconditionally accept this literature as the only truth, so choose wisely.

Another strategy is to find an eccentric fellow in your community who has people following them around.  Look around for some churches that meet in that small building right next to Taco Bell.  You know, the one with the weird symbols on the sign and the really long name.  Go there, and hang out.

4.  As soon as you establish contact with the cult, spend more and more of your time with other cult members.  After a while, you can discard your family and your social circle.  They were holding you back anyway.  Your new family is the only thing that matters.

5. By this point, you should be solidly a member in the cult right now.  You may have to perform some ritual or something before getting full membership, but this varies from cult to cult, so check with them about those details.  From here, anything can happen.  It is up to you on how much you want to get out of the cult experience.  If successful, you should be a member for the rest of your life.

6.  The final step is to look at the date that this post was published.  Got it?

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